As Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert wisely reminded us when he nominated Newt Gingrich for House Speaker yesterday, you do not have to be a member of the Congressional body to be the Speaker of the House. What a boring choice. Here are 10 non-pols/internet sensations/nonexistent people who would really shake things up.
1. The Donald: He’s consistently ranting about how bad things are in Washington. ‘Morbidly curious’ does not even scratch the surface of how I feel about this scenario.
2. ‘The rent is too damn high’ guy, aka Jimmy McMillan: I’m moving into DC on Tuesday, so I want the assurance that my needs will be at the top of his to-do list. $1500 for a one-bed near AU? Gross.
3. Jeff Haffley. This fictional Speaker from The West Wing would have the best one liners. Bonus: This would also mean that Aaron Sorkin was running the country.
4. Angry Bill O’Reilly: My mom was in a high school English class he taught in Miami back in the day. She has AMAZING stories about the fate of kids who didn’t do their work or pay attention.
5. Kanye West: Women’s issues are en vogue right now. Speaker West would start the 113th with a referendum on the B-word.
6. Antoine Dodson: I believe his concerns mirror those of a small minority of the country. He’d be a great fit.
7. Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can’t lose. An appropriate appropriation when used by actually elected officials. More appropriate, at least. If Coach could take a rag-tag team of rowdy boys to Texas state champs twice, he could certainly wrangle the House.
8. Howard Beale from Network: We’re all mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore.
9. Vermin Supreme, former Presidential candidate. If his line of reasoning doesn’t sway you, his magic will.
10. Sassy Gay Friend: Because all big decisions are best made after being run by your GBF who can put things in perspective. Girl, what is sugarcoating? Your thighs don’t need it.
Bonus: DJ Khaled and the featured artists on the song ‘All I Do Is Win”: Every time they’d step up on the House floor, everybody’s hands would go up. And they’d vote there. And they’d vote there. And they’d…. you get the idea.