Notre Dame has just secured itself a spot in the BCS national championship game in Miami after a classic inspirational season that only Notre Dame football (or Friday Night Lights) could provide. Clearly it will join Knute Rockne All American and Rudy as a based-on-a-true-story movie about Notre Dame football. The question now is, who will play the leading characters? Here are my picks and predictions:
1. Manti Te’o: Taylor Lautner. I know, I know. It’s insulting to even suggest that someone as little and Twlight-ed should play one of the best defensive players in football, BUT Hollywood is lacking on linebackers and we need someone who looks like the decendant of Hawiian natives. Lautner is about as exotic as Hollywood gets. Lucky for us, Manti is a man of few words.
2. Brian Kelly: Emilio Estevez. I know we’d all like for Daddy Sheen to return to an ND-adjacent role like the one he played in The West Wing, he’s unfortunately too old. The family clearly loves ND (Daddy did the VOs for a commercial a few years back and father and son made a stop at ND during a press tour last year). Emilio and Kelly were born a year apart, so it’s somewhat appropriate.
3. Johnny Jenks, aka Fr. John Jenkins, CSC: John Noble. Clearly Johnny Jenks would give some sort of quiet, moving speech somewhere in this movie and the Australian actor has been commanding in Fringe over the past several years. The show is ending, so he’ll be looking for something to do.
4. Everett Golson: Donald Glover. This is 100% because I want to see him in a movie. Maybe 50% that and 50% because we’re going to need some comic relief. Manti is going to go through some pretty heavy stuff, so we’re going to need to balance that out. Glover plays a college student (and former high school QB) in Community, so it may border on type-casting, but I love it.
5. Mike Elston (D Line Coach): Kyle Chandler. BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BE IN THIS MOVIE and because we’re only going to the championships because of our amazing D-line.
The supporting cast:
Monk Malloy: Edward James Olmos. Laying down some wisdom, no doubt. Monk Malloy is a legend at ND and therefore has to essentially photobomb this movie at some point.
Fr. Ted Hesburgh: Max von Sydow. You simply cannot do a movie about ND football and not have Fr. Ted. If his busy schedule prevents him from making a cameo himself, go with MvS.
The Virgin Mary: Jennifer Carpenter. Because we’re going to give Donald Glover/Everett Golson a hallucinatory with Notre Dame herself. Why not? Also, there needs to be one woman in this film.
Tommy Reese: Chase Crawford. Not that he can really act or anything, but I just like the idea of a really pretty guy getting knocked down a few pegs because he’s really not that great.
Lou Holtz: Himself. Obviously.
The opposing teams: Orcs from LOTR. Those renderings are just sitting in a hard drive somewhere.
The NBC commentators: Fred Willard and Christopher Guest. Commentary is never so colorful as it is when they are involved.