With the Nationals going to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history, DC is brimming with Nattitude. The highlight of friends and family visiting me in the DMV is usually a trip to good ole Nat’s park for a healthy dose of Americana.
The highlight, of course, is the Presidents Race during the 4th inning. To prove to my loved ones that I am, in fact, an up-and-coming DC insider who is not in need of an intervention/hasty kidnapping back home to the land of the Rays and their singular mascot, I always say with certainty that Teddy will lose. As he always has. As he must.
Now, the internet is abuzz with rumors that this historical season for the home team deserves an equally historical W for our 26th Prez. On the other hand, there have been very convincing arguments made for why he should not — and I thank God for those.
I, however, think that there are more reasons than the upholding of tradition (and I went to Notre Dame, where tradition is everything — the ONLY thing, it could be argued) for keeping Teddy from winning:
1. Cheaters never win – Teddy has made several grabs at a win in the past, using less-than-allowable methods. I do applaud him for his creativity (zipline?! rickshaw?!), but still, my mother always taught me that cheaters never win and winners never cheat (and, of course, by ‘my mother’ I mean ‘after school television viewing’).
2. Short guys never win – This is a sad, but true fact. My guy friends have been faced with adversity because they are vertically challenged (I would like to note that I am 5’4, and will go heelless to whatever weddings/bar mitzvahs/office parties/sporting events you need a date to). I’ve had friends face a Sophie’s choice between two guys, going with the taller of the two every time. While it’s sad and discriminatory, letting Teddy win to makeup for his shortcomings would, to put it simply, be NOT OK. We’re already stretching the spectators’ suspension of disbelief by having gigantor versions of dead dudes run around at a sporting event — we don’t need to ruin everything in some attempt at affirmaTALL action.
3. He’s in the big leagues in more way than one – Let’s take a look at Teddy’s competition. America’s FIRST President. A drafter of the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. A guy who got SHOT IN THE HEAD. Let’s pause there — getting shot in the head should automatically make it so that you win every race (and, other than the inaugural season when Washington won, Lincoln has, in fact, either won or tied for overall wins). Teddy dug a ditch — actually, he told other people to dig a ditch. Washington made up the whole President thing on the fly. Jefferson probably got ink all over his hands. Lincoln got SHOT IN THE HEAD. I could go outside and dig a ditch right now. My building is next to a construction site, so I’m sure they’d loan me a shovel. Teddy already has a lovable stuffed animal named after him. And, really, isn’t that enough? Way to be needy, Teddy.
4. Entitlement issues – The young guns in this town already tend to have an extreme sense of entitlement. My generation takes issue with respecting our elders, and, at the risk of sounding all “kids these days,” Teddy does not need to make his already large, weirdly-shaped head any bigger. And, contrary to what little league may have taught you, NOT EVERYONE CAN GET A TROPHY.
5. Tradition – Because, as I’ve already mentioned, I went to Notre Dame. Enough said.
Quarter Life Crisis 